Jokes

    • A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man. The homeless man asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

      The man took out his wallet, extracted $10 and asked, "If I give you this money will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

      "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

      "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?"the man asked.

      "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

      "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

      "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

      "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

      "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

      "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

      The homeless man was astounded. "Won't you wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting?"

      The man replies, "That's OK. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • New

      Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
      The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
      The alien repeated the greeting.
      There was no response.
      The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
      The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"
      But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
      When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
      The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385