Jokes

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    • A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • "YukiChan456" wrote:

      The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"


      Yeaha second double joke ;)


      Echoe V48 N4


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    • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
      A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

      Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
      A: Your steering wheel.

      Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
      A: The color.

      Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
      A: Heavy psychedelics.
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • Little Johnny... Definite Definition
      Previous Next

      The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

      Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

      The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

      Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

      "That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

      Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

      The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

      Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

      The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

      Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

      Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

      'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

      'Sure..'

      'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

      'No, I can remember it.'

      'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

      He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

      'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

      Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

      Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

      'Where's my toast ?'
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early...
      "Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet.

      "Sure is dark in here," says a young boy to the man.

      "Indeed it is."

      "I have a baseball," says the boy.

      "That's nice."

      "I'll sell it to you for $50."

      "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son."

      "Oh. Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?"

      "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50.

      A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when the woman's husband comes home early once again. The man quickly grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet.

      "Sure is dark in here," says the boy.

      "Oh, it's you again."

      "I have a baseball glove."

      "Alright, how much do you want for it?"

      "$700."

      "$700? That's absurd!"

      "Oh. Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?"

      "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid.

      That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around."

      The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove."

      "For how much," he asks?

      "$750."

      "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession."

      They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth.

      "Sure is dark in here," he says.

      "Oh, don't start that shit again. You're in my closet, now.
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

      The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

      The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

      The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

      'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.

      'What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

      'Pockets!' said Larry.

      The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • Why Parents Have Gray Hair
      The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
      "Yes" whispered the small voice.
      "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
      To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
      Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
      "Yes" came the answer.
      "May I talk with her?"
      Again, the small voice whispered, "No"
      Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
      "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
      Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
      "No he's busy" said the little voice.
      "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
      "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman." came the whispered answer.
      Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
      "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
      "What is going on there?!" asked the boss, now getting alarmed.
      In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
      Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!"
      Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me!"
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • Getting the most from your I.T. department

      1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

      2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

      3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

      4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

      6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

      7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

      8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

      9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

      10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

      11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

      12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

      13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

      14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.

      15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

      16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

      17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

      18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

      19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

      20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

      21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?

      22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

      23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

      24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

      25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.

      26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.

      27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

      28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

      29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

      30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.

      31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what's going on.

      32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

      33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

      34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

      35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

      Your friendly computer guy.
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."



      For Governor and Sheduler infos. Take a look at
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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."



      For Governor and Sheduler infos. Take a look at
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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."



      For Governor and Sheduler infos. Take a look at
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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?




    • There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"



      For Governor and Sheduler infos. Take a look at
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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?