Jokes

    • “A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which gender is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She lifts her dress, drops her knickers, and yells, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”



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    • Re: AW: Jokes

      "sanoc69" wrote:

      "speedwayfan75" wrote:

      "sanoc69" wrote:

      I am sorry to tell you guys but that is my last post here

      Why???

      Time to sleep see you tomorrow[emoji1][emoji1][emoji1][emoji12][emoji12][emoji12]

      [emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]
      You devil. Nice one. Good night my friend
      Phone: GT-I9505
      ROM: Echoe V50
      Recovery: TWRP 2.8.6.0

    • "speedwayfan75" wrote:

      "sanoc69" wrote:

      "speedwayfan75" wrote:

      "sanoc69" wrote:

      I am sorry to tell you guys but that is my last post here

      Why???

      Time to sleep see you tomorrow[emoji1][emoji1][emoji1][emoji12][emoji12][emoji12]

      [emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]
      You devil. Nice one. Good night my friend

      Ah ah ah
      Good night my friend
      No one is forced to like anyone but there is a thing called RESPECT


    • A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."



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    • “A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”



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    • A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
      She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
      The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
      His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
      Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."



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    • "dwarfer66" wrote:

      Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
      “Mom, where do babies come from?”
      “Well, dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”
      “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.
      What do you get when you do that?”
      “Jewelry, dear.”

      First Double joke +:so_ja_nicht=+: +:blinzel=+:



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    • Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"



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    • A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."



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    • A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."



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    • John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
      "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
      John inscribes the words in his heart.
      At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
      'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
      "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
      The widow screams and faints.
      "What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
      "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."



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    • Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"



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    • [spoiler2]A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
      Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
      Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
      Older Woman: Oh, I see.
      Officer : Can I see your license please?
      Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
      Officer : Don't have one?
      Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
      Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
      Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car.
      Officer : Stole it?
      Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
      Officer : You what?
      Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
      The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
      Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
      The woman steps out of her vehicle.
      Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
      Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
      Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
      Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
      The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
      Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
      Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
      The officer is quite stunned.
      Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
      The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. [glow=red]Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.[/glow][/spoiler2]



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    • A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"



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    • The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
      "Of course, my son," said the priest.
      "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
      "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
      "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man.
      "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
      "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
      "Of course, my son," said the priest.
      The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"



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    • A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
      So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
      He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
      Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
      As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
      She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
      "Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
      "Yes, anything." she replies.
      So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"



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    • A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
      He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
      While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
      To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"



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      Note 4 SM-910F
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