Jokes

    • A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
      Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
      His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
      And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
      His mom says, "Why?"
      And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."



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    • 3 friends wanted to watch a soccer game but one of them said: sorry guys I have to stay home with my wife..she won't let me out.
      So the other two put on their scarfs and shirts and drive to their favorite pup. When they arrive they see their friend sitting there already with a beer.
      Dude what happened they ask:

      I was sitting on the couch when my wife came in naked. She handed me over some handcuffs and told me to do what ever I want to...well...here I am
      It is not said to get better if things change but for things to get better you need change
    • Oh it´s becoming better! :evil:

      A shepherd goes to a television programme.
      A man of the viewers stand up and asks him, "What was the best day of your life?"
      The shepherd answers, "Well...the best day of my life was when I lost my donkey in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, i took it to the village's square and everyone fu**ed it."
      A second man of the viewers asks him, "And the second best day of your life?"
      And the shepherd, "Well...the second one was when in lost a sheep in Cuccureddu's mountain, when I found it, I took it to the village's square and everyone fu**ed it."
      So, after that, a third man of the viewers stand up and asks, "And the worse day of your life?."
      "The worse day of my life was when I got lost in Cuccureddu's mountain..."



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    • my guess is that sanoc is sorry already for creating this topic lol

      this one is a little towards racism sorry bout that,

      one day this black guy is getting to the doctor with a bad cold and wanted to get rid of it.
      finally when it's his turn he goes in the doctors quarters and explains what is wrong with him.
      The doctor looks at him and tells him to get his clothes off
      the man gets strip naked and wonders why the hell he needs to get naked because he just has a cold but keeps is mouth shut for now.
      then the doctor orders the man to the left corner and tell him to bend forward, the man does what he's told to do.
      then the doctor tells him to go to the right corner and tell him to bend forward the man does it again but getting very curious.
      the Doctor orders him one last time to bend forward in the left corner and then tells him to get dressed again.
      in the mean time he writes down the medication that the man has to take in order to get rid of his cold.

      the man is thanking the doctor for his time and askes why for crying out loud I had to bend over in each corner of this room.
      The doctor replied simple I just bought a black oak cupboard and wanted to see in which corner it looks the best
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • [highlight=#004000]For Justin B. Fans[/highlight]! ;)

      3 guys walk into a bar
      The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
      The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
      The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
      The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
      The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
      The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
      The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?



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    • Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.



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    • Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case. He asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free." The man starts packing case. Wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."



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    • [highlight=#008000]J.B. again[/highlight]

      A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun."
      When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!"
      The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?"
      The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."



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    • A boss said to his secretary I want to have S.X with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f.ck.ng!"



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    • [glow=red]WtF[/glow]

      A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
      He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes she said, checking for abnormalities. He tell her to take off he bra and starts rubbing her boobs,he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes, she said checking for cancer. He tells her to take of her underwear and starts having sex. He tells her do you know what I'm doing? She said "Yes getting AIDS



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    • Why did you open this topic?
      Can´t stop to post! :cry:

      A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"



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    • "speedwayfan75" wrote:

      "Acer4605" wrote:

      my guess is that sanoc is sorry already for creating this topic lol


      Damn, it was me who told him to do that. So I'm sorry now.[emoji2][emoji2][emoji2]

      Yes its your fault
      No one is forced to like anyone but there is a thing called RESPECT


    • Last one for today (Who comes up with something like that?)

      A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural s*xual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous s*x with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

      Good Night



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    • Government Explanation! (It´s the same everywhere!) :lol:

      A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized! Next day in school he explains the government to his teacher. "The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

      Shame on you GM
      [center][/center]



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    • It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
      When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
      At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
      The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
      At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
      At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
      Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
      When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
      "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
      "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
      He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
      The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."



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    • During a war warrior shouted against 3 ladies
      Warrior: I am going to r*pe you all.
      Younger lady: But please leave our grand mother.
      Grand mother: Shut up, war is war.



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    • A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!," she looks at him, "But they are sperm samples???" "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."



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    • A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"



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