A husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, “Hey, snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for byebyes yet.”
The wife takes the hint and says, “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes, but on her way
back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, “Oh, my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?”
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterward, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX—When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX—After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX—After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say, “FUCK YOU.”
COURTROOM SEX—When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?”
The teacher looks at him and says, “No, but that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”
So the student replies, “Then I’ve definitely shit in my pants.”
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised,” the other replies.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?” the kid asked inquiringly.
“You bet it hurt—I didn’t walk for a year!”
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things, daddy?”
His dad said, “Condoms, son.”
The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1, 3, and 12?”
The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys on Saturday night; the ones with three are for the college boys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, for January, February, March...”
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet,” counseled the therapist.
So the woman went into town and proceeded to cruise the streets until she came across a young man standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of wild sex.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but by the bedside table was $40 and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.
A truck driver goes into a brothel and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich.”
The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and steak and fries.”
The driver says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick!”
“Honey,” said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”