I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
Muslim Asylum Seekers are claiming they've converted to Christianity to increase their chances of gaining Asylum. Immigration are rolling out their new Muslim detection kits. A pint and a bacon sandwich.
A guy is speeding down the road doing considerably faster than the posted limit. He passes by a speed trap and very quickly the police cruiser is in pursuit. The speeding driver accelerates even more and the police car has to floor it to stay with the car he is chasing. When the officer finally catches up to the speeding car, the driver pulls over and stops.
The officer struts up to the driver of the car and asks him " What in the world do you think you are doing driving so fast like that?"
The driver replies, " I'm sorry officer but my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought it was you trying to bring her back"...
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"I'm going to live forever or die trying!" "If you can't forgive and forget then forget forgiveness and move on" "If you can change it, stop worrying and do it. If you can't then just stop worrying"
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the Blue WKDs went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him 'MIDNIGHT'. He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."