Jokes

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    • I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

      It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
      "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
      "They're mating," her father replied.
      "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
      "Daddy Longlegs" the father replied
      "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
      As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
      The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • A copper in London pulled over a driver who'd been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."

      The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."

      The officer said, "OK then; I need you to come and give a blood sample."

      The man produced another letter. This one read: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."

      So the officer said, "Right, I need a urine sample then."

      The man produced a third letter from his pocket.

      It read, "This man is an American. Please don't take the piss out of him."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • A guy is speeding down the road doing considerably faster than the posted limit. He passes by a speed trap and very quickly the police cruiser is in pursuit. The speeding driver accelerates even more and the police car has to floor it to stay with the car he is chasing. When the officer finally catches up to the speeding car, the driver pulls over and stops.

      The officer struts up to the driver of the car and asks him " What in the world do you think you are doing driving so fast like that?"

      The driver replies, " I'm sorry officer but my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought it was you trying to bring her back"...



      Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk
      "I'm going to live forever or die trying!"
      "If you can't forgive and forget then forget forgiveness and move on"
      "If you can change it, stop worrying and do it. If you can't then just stop worrying"
    • Thought is was time to place another joke guys!

      Golden Words By A Wise Man.

      1. If you want to change the world, do it while you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change the TV channel.

      2. Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. You understand nothing, but you still agreed...

      3. Chess is the only game in the world which reflects the status of the husband. The poor King can only take one step at a time... While the mighty Queen can do whatever she likes...

      4. All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them. But 5 missed call from wifey... Surely..
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the Blue WKDs went down way too easily.

      Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.

      I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals twelve cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

      The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him 'MIDNIGHT'. He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

      Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

      When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385
    • Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

      Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

      Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

      CS: "What sort of trouble?"

      C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

      CS: "Went away?"

      C: "They disappeared."

      CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

      C: "Nothing."

      CS: "Nothing."

      C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

      CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

      C: "How do I tell?"

      CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

      C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

      CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

      C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

      CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

      C: "What's a monitor?"

      CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

      C: "I don't know."

      CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

      C: "Yes, I think so."

      CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

      C: ".......Yes, it is."

      CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

      C: "No."

      CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

      C: ".......Okay, here it is."

      CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

      C: "I can't reach."

      CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

      C: "No."

      CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

      C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

      CS: "Dark?"

      C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

      CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

      C: "I can't."

      CS: "No? Why not?"

      C: "Because there's a power outage."

      CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

      C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

      CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

      C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

      CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

      C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

      CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
      Galaxy S8+ G955F stock Telstra Oreo 8o 8o
      Galaxy TAB A 2017. T385