There was a papa mole, a mamma mole and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be
the owner ’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is fooling him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

"dwarfer66" wrote:

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be
the owner ’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is fooling him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

Muhahhahhaha ROFL

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”
The amazed receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Bob replies, “Listen, lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

"dwarfer66" wrote:

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
The huge man says, “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked, receptionist. “May I help you?”
Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.”
The amazed receptionist says, “But, sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours. You have only seen a small fraction of our facilities.”
Bob replies, “Listen, lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

From now one I am thinking 2 time before to fart ! :clap: +:weint_vor_lachen=+:

Think about it
---------------------------------

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Two guys meet in train station.
- What are you doing?
- I lost my wife and I'm looking for her.
- What a coincidence, I lost my wife and I'm looking after her. How does it look your wife?
- It's tall, redhead, green eyes, big breasts and long legs. And yours?
- Fuck mine, let's look for yours!

What did the spastic say when the dog jumped on his lap?

Down Syndrome.
--------------------------------------------
My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude cunt wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.
---------------------------------------------
My son just told me that he loves me.

Bit awkward. He knows I'm married.
-------------------------------------------
In my life, I've had a few bumps in the road as far as my relationship with alcohol is concerned.

Mostly pedestrians.
----------------------------------------
Women love it when I sweep them off their feet.

But then they get all pissy when I stick them in the trunk.

Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.

He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.

He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.

He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating cunt."

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a world Governing body for football there were lots of different types of Governing bodies that different countries used, and now there's only one Governing body that the countries use, and what I want to know is: how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs."
Blackadder: "Baldrick, do you mean: how did the FIFA start?"
Baldrick: "Yes, Sir."
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1904 there were many different countries all running their own football and using slightly different types of rules. On one side you had the major teams of England France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker teams of Nigeria, Abyssinia, Kongo state, Japan, Argentina. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same rules, have one Central Administration Centre, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, bribery and crises."
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?"
Blackadder: "That's right, Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was bollocks."

A wealthy man, a vegetarian, a Muslim woman and an American are walking down the road.

A reporter stops them and says, "excuse me, what is your opinion on the unaffordable price of meat?"

The wealthy man says, "what's 'unaffordable'?"

The vegetarian says, "what's 'meat'?"

The Muslim woman says, "what's 'an opinion'?"

and the American says, "what's 'excuse me?'"

5 Deadly Terms used By A Woman

1: Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she's right and you need to shut up.

2: Nothing: Means something and you need to be worried.

3: Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission, do not do it.

4: Whatever: A Woman's way of saying screw you.

5: Thats Okay: She is thinking long and hard on when and how you will pay for your mistake.

Bonus Word - Wow!: This is not a compliment, She's amazed that one person could be so stupid.

Honey you remember when you was the last time to fishing?
Pike call, he says has ..... fish eggs!

A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT?"

The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down, she's so excited - she cannot believe what is going on.

She says, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

The number you had dialed is available.
Who cares, i am sober now

What are the top 32 rejected children?s book titles?

1. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
2. Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
3. What is that Dog Doing to that Other Dog?
4. How to Dress Sexy for Grown ups
5. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
6. You Were a Mistake
7. Strangers Have the Best Candy
8. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
9. Some Kittens Can Fly!
10. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
11. The Children's Guide to Hitch-hiking
12. Dad's New Wife John
13. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
14. 101 Fun Games to Play on the Road
15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16. The Little Golden Book of Electrical Wiring
17. Creatures Under the Bed: a Bedtime Story
18. Making Grown-Up Friends on the Internet
19. Chemistry from Under the Kitchen Sink
20. That?s it; I?m Putting You Up for Adoption
21. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
22. SometimesYour Nightmares Are Real
23. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24. Timmy?s the Wrong Colour to be Your Friend
25. I Dare You! 101 Challenges to Prove You?re Not a Sissy
26. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
27. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
28. Adoption: A Fresh Start
29. Abdul's The Wrong Colour To Be Your Friend
30. You Are Different and That's Bad
31. Grandpa Gets a Casket
32. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed, either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned unopened.”

De finition:
Self deception: masturbating and then faking an orgasm.
Mistress: something between mister and mattress.
Lesbian: another woman trying to do a man’s job.

A young boy is walking his dog through the fields, when he stumbles across the local vicar getting a blow job of a young girl.

Just as the vicar is about to shoot his load, the boy shouts, "Oi, vicar, I see what your doing and I'm telling the whole village unless you buy my dog."

The vicar looks at the dog, it has only 3 legs, mange, and is covered in fleas. He offers the boy £5 to keep quiet.

The boy tells him he wants £50 to keep quiet and the vicar reluctantly pays.

That evening the Bishop visits the vicar for tea and on seeing the dog says, "I see you have given a stray dog a home, highly commendable."

The vicar explains that he paid £50 for the dog and the Bishop is shocked, then tells the vicar :-

"Somebody must have seen you coming."