Jokes

    • two friends cross the street, one asks are you okay? even so, my wife is sick, the doctor told her to walk 1 hour per day which was good, that's good, says the friend, do not know, she left home 15 days and does not yet returned
      No one is forced to like anyone but there is a thing called RESPECT


    • truckstop

      a truckdriver is stopping at a truckstop in order to get some rest and a beer.
      when he enters the truckstop he orders a beer and while the waiter is getting his beer he sees a large bowl of 1€ coins on a table.
      the Waiter arrives with his beer and the driver asks him what the bowl of 1€ pieces is for.
      the waiter replied, behind that curtain there is a horse and if you can make it laugh the bowl is yours.
      No problem said the driver, he stepped over towards the bowl of coins added 1€ and stepped behind the curtain.
      1 min later the horse was laughing his @ss off and as promised the driver collected the bowl of 1 euro coins.

      he paid for his beer and went on his way again.

      about a year later the same truckdriver got back and as usual he ordered a beer, and this time there was a bowl of 2€ coins on the table,
      he asks the waiter is this still for the horse, and the waiter confirmed yes it is, only difference is you have to make the horse cry.
      the driver said no problem added a 2€ piece to the bowl and dissapeared behind the curtain, less then 30 sec later the horse was crying his eyes out.
      the driver went over to the counter paid for his beer and paid a round of drinks to the rest of the truckstop.
      the waiter was very curious and asked how the driver achieved each task with such souplesse.

      the driver replied
      when I had to make the horse laugh, I told him that I had a bigger one then his, and when I had to make him cry, I just showed him that mine was bigger :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • the sailors parrot.

      an Old sailor with a parrot on his shoulder enters the local bar at the end of the harbor.
      He orders a beer and the parrot replied 1 coke
      the sailor tells his parrot to shut up and drinks his beer.
      he orders a second round and the parrot replies again 1 coke.
      the sailor had enough of it and tells his parrot to shut up if not he will nail him against the wall
      The sailor who is quite thirsty orders another beer and the parrot replies 1 coke.
      The sailor a man of his word takes the parrot and nails him with his wings spread out to the wall next to Jesus Cross
      The parrot looks to Jesus and askes did you also order 1 drink to many?
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • airplaines ladies room.

      right after the meal on the long distance flight has been finished just about every passenger needs to go to the bathroom, most of them where guys,
      as result there was a long waiting line to go to the bathroom.
      a guy needed to go desperately and he's asking the stewardesses permission to use the ladies room. the stewardess consulting the head stewardess and she approved that he could use the ladies room.
      she also pointed out not to use any of the buttons which where on the toilet, the guy very happy that he could go to he bathroom said he wouldn't and he went to the ladies room.

      sitting on the toilet and as curious the male population is he couldn't resist and started to press the first of the 3 buttons.
      The first button cleaned his @ss with water
      the second button cleaned his @ss with a towel
      after hitting the third button he woke up three weeks later in the hospital.

      suprised as he was to find himself in the hospital he grabs the first Nurse he could see and asked her what happened?

      well said the Nurse you had to go to the bathroom and you where instructed not to use any of the three buttons right?
      getting red behind his ears the man nodded yes, and the nurse continues but you where just to curious and you wanted to test those buttons out

      again the man nodded yes and the nurse continued
      the first was to wash your butt
      the second was to dry it up
      and the third...
      was an automatic tampon remover :twisted: :twisted:
      live as if you were to die tomorrow,
      learn as if you were to live forever

      Ghandi



    • "Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son." "Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"



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    • Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
      Usually she slept through the class.

      One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

      When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

      A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

      Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

      [highlight=#400000]The Teacher fainted[/highlight].



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    • A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her. :twisted:



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      Note 4 SM-910F
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    • Re: AW: Jokes

      "YukiChan456" wrote:

      A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her. :twisted:

      Aaaarrrgh.[emoji13][emoji13][emoji13][emoji2][emoji2][emoji2]
      Phone: GT-I9505
      ROM: Echoe V50
      Recovery: TWRP 2.8.6.0

    • An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."



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    • Re: AW: Jokes

      A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
      The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
      The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!" But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
      Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!"
      Phone: GT-I9505
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    • A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”



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      Note 4 SM-910F
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    • A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
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    • So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"



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      My Phones: Nokia 909, Motorola V3, ... Siemens S35, Siemens S45 . . . ( :hmm: can not remember) ... SEK750, SEK800, SEC905, Galaxy S1, S2, Note 2, Note 3, Note 4 and now my

      Galaxy S7 Edge SM-G935F
      EchoeRom N v? with S7E AEL N Kernel v?


      and

      Note 4 SM-910F
      EchoeRom v? with N4 AEL Kernel v?